It’s been 3 months since I packed up three suitcases, a few basic items, and all my ambition into my car to head West in pursuit of the big dream. Beyond career aspirations, I also felt like it was a good time for change in my life and I knew only growth could come from leaving my comfort zone. How has it been? Good. Bad. Inspiring. Stressful. Exciting. Lonely. Eye-opening. Interesting. In some ways, I’m still adapting to the fact that I live here now but in others, I’m beginning to feel at home.
Yes, traffic is as bad as everyone says it is and I’ve learned to schedule my time around it. Nothing makes me run out of my room faster than seeing it’s past 7 AM or past 3 PM. And yes, LA is expensive. I underestimated how much cost of living would be but it comes with the territory. The silver lining is that I’m learning to budget better. No, I wasn’t prepared for how difficult homesickness can be. I visited home around the two-month mark because I missed my family a lot but I’m also learning to cope when the feeling comes out of nowhere. There’s a ton more stylists here, and that would intimidate/discourage some but really it just makes me want to be better at my craft and it makes me want to work harder. Despite everything, I think the biggest obstacle has been learning to turn off all the noise that comes with living in Los Angeles.
During my first month here, the noise came in the form of a bombardment of extremely effective voices of self-doubt. Was LA the right choice? You’re going to run out of money. Why weren’t you more prepared? You should have had a job lined up. How are you going to get around if your car fails? Everything is spread out and gas is very expensive. Where are you going to live after the first month at your Aunt’s is up? Sleeping in the car might have to do it. What if you CAN’T make it and have to go back home, feeling like a failure? What’s worse is you’ll to have to go back to the place where you know you can’t have the career you want, failing everyone who believed in you. All these thoughts would sink into my clothes and refuse to go away. There’s a scene in the second Hunger Games film, Catching Fire, where Katniss is trapped on a part of the island the games are being held in that is filled with birds named Jabberjays, mocking her with the voices of her loved ones being tortured. Peeta, unable to get to her because of a force field, tries his best to encourage her from where he stands, shouting that the voices aren’t real. The voices are so overwhelming that all Katniss can do is hold her head on the ground and wait until the hour that carries the agonizing noise is over. It might be a fictional scene but it’s what I had to learn to do mentally. I don’t think I’ve ever been as stressed in my entire life as I was during that first month. And whenever the voices would come I had to remember to stop the noise, breathe, and reassure myself that everything is going to be okay/work out whether it was through prayer or literally saying the words out loud. It might sound like a simple fix, strange even, but the negativity was so extreme that I felt like I couldn’t see past it. And as someone who takes pride in their drive and determination, this blindness was frightening. Thankfully, I’ve learned to keep the noise at bay.
Around my second month, I noticed the noise was seeping into my life again through a different form: people. In my quest to meet other individuals who are going through the same journey, I opened myself to anyone that was coming into my periphery. I can say I’ve met some awesome creatives but I’ve also met people who see that you have a bigger purpose and are more than happy to keep you from it. Maybe it’s because they get a kick out of it, or maybe they don’t have goals set up in their lives yet, I can’t say but I do recognize an exit cue when I see one. On a whim, I had sushi with a stranger my first week here and he gave me warning about “vampires” that notice you’re new in town. It’s hard to keep your eyes on the prize while being around people who are just there to drain you. Needless to say, I had to separate myself, and now rethink giving out my number to people I don’t know.
Lastly, Los Angeles is an exciting place and has a a lot of opportunities but it also has a lot of distractions, and I tell myself to not lose focus. With that, I couldn’t help but remember this famous quote from Shakespeare’s The Tempest:
“This island is full of noises, strange sounds and sweet melodies that make you feel good and don’t hurt anyone.”
The quote is delivered by Caliban, a slave of the island in which The Tempest is set in. He reassures there’s no danger from the music/sounds on the island and that it usually puts him to sleep and makes him dream of freedom and riches. When he wakes up, he cries at his reality and wishes he was still sleeping. It’s both poetic and sad at the same time and it reminds me of the noise here. I remind myself that the voices/people/distractions can’t hurt me (unless I let them), and that I’m here to make a dream into reality, not to just keep wishing it was real. As I complete the transition period, it finally feels like I’m able to hold my head above water and go after the future I want. I’m ready.
Photos by Noah Berg, taken in Boulder, Colorado.
Outfit Details:
Printed Jeans/ Longline Shirt/ Hat- Asos
Newsboy Cap- Urban Outfitters
Tote Bag- Ruckus Apparel
Boots- Nordstrom Rack